The Need to Fly Solo

Marriage can be tricky at times because you are constantly around your wife, especially if you have kids.  I’ve noticed a fundamental flaw in a majority of married men and its that they spend all of their free time with their wife and children.  Being there for them as a provider and protector is part and parcel of being a father/husband, but you need to spend time by yourself.  We’ll go over what happens when you don’t have time for yourself, things you can do when you’re alone to have a positive impact on your life, and how to assert your wants/needs in your relationship without having to get into an argument.

The Sense of Self

You know who you are, what you want out of life, and how to get there.  The truth is, in order to make yourself the best that you can be, you need time to reflect on your actions, thoughts, and decisions.  For me personally, I have a difficult time evaluating my life when I have to drive to my son’s MMA tournament or taking my daughter to dance class.  Every guy needs time to collect himself and his thoughts and if you’re kicking ass at this dad/husband thing, you need to make time for you.

If all your time is spent doing things for others, you’re going to be miserable.  Note, that the time I spend with my family is amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I cannot do it 24/7.  A man cannot relate to a woman nor should he be a “friend” to his children.  Many guys think it’s wrong for wanting to go take a drive alone or wanting to go have a drink at the bar with their buddies.  Their nagging wife has essentially chopped their balls off so rather than “rock the boat” they just live miserable lives.  We cannot have that.

Everyone has a different schedule so finding time to do things for yourself will be something you have to figure out.  That said, what you do is almost as important as doing something at all.

Positive Time Off

You could say “fuck it” and start doing drugs, playing video games all the time, and generally fucking around in life but you will suffer.  Hell, your entire family can suffer if you go too far.  Time away from the family isn’t a time to go buck wild on your integrity and beliefs.   I think it should be a time to refine yourself.

Using this time to your advantage can be the best ways to feel accomplished.  Working out, reading a book, working on a craft/project, going on a hike etc. are all things you can do to get your head right.  They need not be solemn activities either.  Going to play pool with your buds, going fishing with them, or even just on a long drive to nowhere can be a rewarding experience.  Use this time to vent to your buddies, as they are the only people you should turn to when experiencing a problem.  No woman wants/need to know about your problems nor should you lament them to her.

All this may sound like a dream, but I know there will be that one guy who says “Yeah I’m cool with all this, but my wife has been “in control” for so long it will cause a fight”  No worries, let’s dive into that.

Tell Her What You’re Doing, Don’t Ask

If you’re a grown ass an and you’re asking anyone permission to do what you want, you need to refresh on the red pill theory.  We do not ask for permission.  That said, you are accountable for where you are at times.  If there is something I am set on doing, I’ll let my wife know “Hey, I’m going to ____ with ______.  See you around dinner” and that is it.  I’m letting my wife know I won’t be around, but more importantly it isn’t up for debate.  Granted, if I forget that I have some obligation I forgot about then I’ll honor that, but all in all, things go smoothly.  Here are examples on how to tell your wife your intent without looking like a pussy:

“I need to get out.  I’m going to the gym for an hour”

“Jak needs help setting up his computer.  I’m going to help him out”

“I’m going to the range.  I’ll have my phone, but most likely wont hear it going off”

All three of these are statements not questions. Each one conveys that you are respecting your wife enough to tell her you won’t be around, but leave no room for scrutiny or judgement.  If you do get backlash, here are some ways to go about it:

Wife “But why do you get to go have fun and I have to stay here?”

Your Response:  “I bust my ass all week to provide for you guys.  I’m going”

____________________________________________

Wife: “But I want to come with you!”

Your Response: “Yeah, okay maybe next time.  I just really need to get away for a little while.  I’ll see you later”

____________________________________________

Wife: “I don’t like your friend _____.  Why do you want to hang out with him?”

Your Response: “_____ is my good friend.  He’s always been there for me, so I’m going to return the favor”

You get the idea.  Basically you’re holding frame while you get a mini shit test.  You’ve made the decision to take time for yourself, and you aren’t budging.  One that I have used on my wife is when she said the “When do I get time for me?”  I said “You know all those hours you spend doing makeup and hair?  Yeah, that time is for you right? ”  Works every time.

Conclusion

Men need time to just power down being a father/husband at times, and you have to do things for yourself.  You cant be the captain of your family if you’re unhappy yourself.  Having a strong sense of self is what makes great men.  Remember to keep your “me time” positive and even if its not the best of activities (drinking etc), remember not to take it too far.  Finally, your wife should respect you enough to not give you shit for wanting to do something by yourself or with friends.  Make the decision, stick to it, and don’t break frame.

-J. Nyx

Author: Jnyx

J. Nyx is a father of three and co-owner of akingscastle.com. He understands that there is something missing in the community and that you can be a traditional, masculine man in our current age as well as a dedicated leader of your family.

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  • Cheeki Breeki

    Isn’t all of this obvious? I’m surprised this actually needs mentioning. Anyway, I came across this excellent work by Miyamoto Musashi called Dokkodo:

    1. Accept everything just the way it is.
    2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.
    3. Do not give preference to anything among all things.
    4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
    5. Be detached from desire your whole life.
    6. Do not regret what you have done.
    7. Never be jealous.
    8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation.
    9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.
    10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.
    11. Do not seek elegance and beauty in all things.
    12. Be indifferent to where you live.
    13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.
    14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.
    15. Do not act following customary beliefs.
    16. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what is useful.
    17. Do not fear death.
    18. Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age.
    19. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help.
    20. You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honor.
    21. Never stray from the Way.

    The text largely deals with the ascetic way of life, but modifications can be made as needed.

    • AkingsCastle

      Great list there. Some of the topics discussed can be obvious to some, but I try to write articles from the perspective that the reader has no prior knowledge to red pill theory or practice. It can get redundant at times but I stand by it.

  • SYO

    No woman wants/needs to know about your problems nor should you lament them to her.

    My older brother shared this wisdom with me years ago, which has been on my top five list of advice that he and my dad gave me as a man. Unfortunately I haven’t always followed it, including with my wife. Funny how the feminist say that they don’t want a strong man, but women do want that, along with mixing in just being self centered. As (dare I say) a recent ROK article mentioned, men’s ability to bond with other men has been destroyed.

    Anyway, thanks for the article and I am taking a week off this fall to go solo into the woods.

  • StraitlacedMissouri

    I wonder if I’m allowed on here lol. My husband and I both need our time although I don’t need it without the kids. That’s my preference. Yesterday we did some cultural activities while he hung out with the oldest (21) fixing up his little things at the house he just bought. Last week we went camping with a cousin and he relaxed at home. Sometime this week he will go golfing with a few pals. If we spend every waking moment together life gets edgy between us. I used to care more when we were younger. I can honestly say it had nothing to do with him needing free time AND everything to do with the company he was keeping. Thankfully that company has aged so my nagging has died down in that respect. 😄😄😄

    • disqus_IK4JLhzYdo

      thats funny right there! <3

      • StraitlacedMissouri

        You should look around on here. It’s a red pilled, right leaning, men’s blog. Some pretty interesting stuff to read. 🙂