Marriage can be tricky at times because you are constantly around your wife, especially if you have kids. I’ve noticed a fundamental flaw in a majority of married men and its that they spend all of their free time with their wife and children. Being there for them as a provider and protector is part and parcel of being a father/husband, but you need to spend time by yourself. We’ll go over what happens when you don’t have time for yourself, things you can do when you’re alone to have a positive impact on your life, and how to assert your wants/needs in your relationship without having to get into an argument.
The Sense of Self
You know who you are, what you want out of life, and how to get there. The truth is, in order to make yourself the best that you can be, you need time to reflect on your actions, thoughts, and decisions. For me personally, I have a difficult time evaluating my life when I have to drive to my son’s MMA tournament or taking my daughter to dance class. Every guy needs time to collect himself and his thoughts and if you’re kicking ass at this dad/husband thing, you need to make time for you.
If all your time is spent doing things for others, you’re going to be miserable. Note, that the time I spend with my family is amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I cannot do it 24/7. A man cannot relate to a woman nor should he be a “friend” to his children. Many guys think it’s wrong for wanting to go take a drive alone or wanting to go have a drink at the bar with their buddies. Their nagging wife has essentially chopped their balls off so rather than “rock the boat” they just live miserable lives. We cannot have that.
Everyone has a different schedule so finding time to do things for yourself will be something you have to figure out. That said, what you do is almost as important as doing something at all.
Positive Time Off
You could say “fuck it” and start doing drugs, playing video games all the time, and generally fucking around in life but you will suffer. Hell, your entire family can suffer if you go too far. Time away from the family isn’t a time to go buck wild on your integrity and beliefs. I think it should be a time to refine yourself.
Using this time to your advantage can be the best ways to feel accomplished. Working out, reading a book, working on a craft/project, going on a hike etc. are all things you can do to get your head right. They need not be solemn activities either. Going to play pool with your buds, going fishing with them, or even just on a long drive to nowhere can be a rewarding experience. Use this time to vent to your buddies, as they are the only people you should turn to when experiencing a problem. No woman wants/need to know about your problems nor should you lament them to her.
All this may sound like a dream, but I know there will be that one guy who says “Yeah I’m cool with all this, but my wife has been “in control” for so long it will cause a fight” No worries, let’s dive into that.
Tell Her What You’re Doing, Don’t Ask
If you’re a grown ass an and you’re asking anyone permission to do what you want, you need to refresh on the red pill theory. We do not ask for permission. That said, you are accountable for where you are at times. If there is something I am set on doing, I’ll let my wife know “Hey, I’m going to ____ with ______. See you around dinner” and that is it. I’m letting my wife know I won’t be around, but more importantly it isn’t up for debate. Granted, if I forget that I have some obligation I forgot about then I’ll honor that, but all in all, things go smoothly. Here are examples on how to tell your wife your intent without looking like a pussy:
“I need to get out. I’m going to the gym for an hour”
“Jak needs help setting up his computer. I’m going to help him out”
“I’m going to the range. I’ll have my phone, but most likely wont hear it going off”
All three of these are statements not questions. Each one conveys that you are respecting your wife enough to tell her you won’t be around, but leave no room for scrutiny or judgement. If you do get backlash, here are some ways to go about it:
Wife “But why do you get to go have fun and I have to stay here?”
Your Response: “I bust my ass all week to provide for you guys. I’m going”
Wife: “But I want to come with you!”
Your Response: “Yeah, okay maybe next time. I just really need to get away for a little while. I’ll see you later”
Wife: “I don’t like your friend _____. Why do you want to hang out with him?”
Your Response: “_____ is my good friend. He’s always been there for me, so I’m going to return the favor”
You get the idea. Basically you’re holding frame while you get a mini shit test. You’ve made the decision to take time for yourself, and you aren’t budging. One that I have used on my wife is when she said the “When do I get time for me?” I said “You know all those hours you spend doing makeup and hair? Yeah, that time is for you right? ” Works every time.
Men need time to just power down being a father/husband at times, and you have to do things for yourself. You cant be the captain of your family if you’re unhappy yourself. Having a strong sense of self is what makes great men. Remember to keep your “me time” positive and even if its not the best of activities (drinking etc), remember not to take it too far. Finally, your wife should respect you enough to not give you shit for wanting to do something by yourself or with friends. Make the decision, stick to it, and don’t break frame.